The Key Shot is the Tee Shot

By Joel Zuckerman

’m something of an expert on golf maladies, because in the course of a mostly star-crossed career, I’ve had ‘em all. Right now I occasionally do battle with one of the most perverse entities known to man, the dreaded sideways shot. I won’t utter the technical term out loud, nor will I write it, but it’s a heinous affliction that begins with the letters “s” and “h”. If you’re thinking of the cussword and not the golf shot, that’s okay too, as it’s pretty much the same thing.

The actual yips haven’t yet affected me, but I’ve missed dozens upon dozens of extremely short putts over the years, so maybe they have. One summer I suffered through a brief but brutal period where I was terrified of hitting an iron off a tee, and approached every short hole with unwarranted trepidation. The nadir (apex?) of this affliction occurred when I hit a small, choked-down utility wood on a 110-yard, downhill par 3. I carved it in to four feet and made the deuce, but was still mortified when the stranger I was playing with asked, “What was that? An 11-wood?”

All of these golf troubles are disheartening to say the least. But there’s one that’s even worse: not being able to keep the tee shot in play. I was recently cold-cocked with this reality, watching one of my good golf pals suffer through the worst driving day since Ted Kennedy was on Chappaquiddick Island. The Phantom is a good guy, a close business associate, a decent (albeit deliberate) player, and most importantly, a steady cash supply for this needy correspondent. Phantom is unnaturally flexible, and as a result, supernaturally long off the tee. If we both catch a good drive on a reasonably long par 4, I’m thrilled to have a mid iron in my hand instead of the usual fairway wood. He, often 50 yards ahead, expects to attack with a pitching wedge. That’s just the way it is. Hoop coaches say “you can’t teach height,” and in the same vein, I’m convinced the same holds true with length. You either have it or you don’t.

In any event, on the day in question the Phantom simply could not get his driver to behave. He must’ve put close to 30 balls on tees instead of the requisite 18, so often was he playing a provisional. The “diving, over-spinning lefts” are an unwelcome illness on any golf course, but especially in and around Charleston, with many courses featuring homes lining the fairways and OB stakes ubiquitous, it’s a particularly virulent disease. Reloading on the tee even once in awhile really stinks. But having to do so hole after hole is golf misery personified, because a player is defeated from the outset. Golfers are a naïve lot, because we can’t help but play the game with unfounded optimism. When a drive is in the fairway or light rough, the approach shot on or close to the green, when an errant shot is found sitting nicely in the woods with an opening through the trees, as long as the ball can be advanced in some meaningful way, a player remains hopeful about the outcome to follow. Conversely, if every wayward tee shot must be played out sideways, or even worse, is found to be off the golf course entirely, it makes for a long and depressing afternoon. Then you’re stuck playing defensive golf, scrambling golf, hoping-to-salvage-bogey golf. No fun.

I felt bad for the Phantom as we parted ways in the twilight, though there was much to feel good about. A mutual business project had debuted that very day to glowing reviews, he was peeling off twenties instead of fives or singles to pay his debt, and I myself had conjured a nice round in the 70’s. Although he found it virtually impossible to keep his ball on the planet that day, he did keep his composure, and that was admirable under the circumstances. One of the game’s old aphorisms was rolling through my head as I pocketed the lucre. You do drive for show and putt for dough, but that wasn’t what I was thinking. Instead, I recalled a lesser known truism, a line once delivered by a gangly assistant pro who could smote the ball into an adjoining zip code. It’s true: The key shot is the tee shot.

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