Written by J. Mitchell Brown
Photography by Donna Huffman

’ve heard it be said that all humor begins in truth. I reckon that’s so. It seems like all the stories I like to tell about myself – at least the ones that really make people guffaw – are, as embarrassing as it sometimes is, true. Me getting a perm one time, my attempts in Europe at communicating to German locals in their language, and certainly the Red Snapper incident. Each story makes people laugh and each is painfully true. I’m certainly scarred by each of them, but none of them are made up.

That’s why this one Garfield cartoon has stuck in my mind. I read it a decade ago but I remember it making me laugh. It still does, for that matter. But the more I think about it, the more it seems to ring with truth.

What it was was Garfield was standing next to a pretty flower and a scraggly weed. He has his paw extended and asks the reader, “Do you know what the difference between a flower and a weed is?” He then proceeds to jump up and down on both plants. In the next frame, you see a mangled, petal-less flower with wisps of the smoke of destruction floating away from it. Next to that mess, the weed is still standing, not whole lot worse for the wear. Garfield looks back towards the reader and with a smug look on his face explains, “A weed has a better will to live.”

That certainly seem to be how it is in a garden. Think about it: we spend a bunch of our hard-earned money on all these pretty plants, and untold amounts of energy on pampering them, protecting them and pleasing them. When you consider it, it’s pretty ridiculous. We plant these gardens as a place to relax and unwind, and yet we spend all our free time and energies in keeping them in shape enough as to be a place we would like to come and relax! Talk about your catch-22s!

What really tickles me, though, is how much we fight those persistent little weeds. They’re so stubborn and yet so prevalent in anybody’s garden. It’s like they say to you, “I’m gonna grow here dammit and there’s nothing you can do about it.” My grandfather equated it to Chinese warfare. You kill one and three more come back to take it’s place.

The key to effective weed management lies in nipping them in the bud (pun intended) when you FIRST plant your garden. Mind, you’re never going to completely eliminate weeds – no more than you can stop a wave – but you can control them.

It is absolutely necessary that you clean and prepare a new garden area down to a level that extends a couple of inches BELOW the surface of the earth. Just nipping away at smilax vines and little pine trees ain’t enough. You have to get way down deep and chop everything up and turn it. Though it would be ideal to create a layer of earth to plant your plants in out of sterile, virgin and fortified potting soil, it is neither very cost effective nor real life. At the very least, you should turn the existing topsoil with a tiller or by hand to expose the subterranean nutrients that are absent nearer the surface. And once it’s turned, you need to break it up to soften the dirt and make planting easier.

Once everything is planted in this ideal environ, it is a good idea to cover the unplanted areas back up with some type of mulch to prevent weed seeds from making it easily back to the soil and taking root. Some will, mind you, but expect that and be ready to pluck their little butts out at the first sign to keep yourself from having to do a weeding marathon midway through the summer when it’s a hundred degrees, the bugs are vicious, the wind is dead, and your garden looks like a jungle.

My gardens are already planted for the year. I did create one new one in a “natural” area full of scrub oaks and smilax, and stripped the earth of these trash plants before planting store bought flowers. It was tedious, but I felt good about how thoroughly I cleaned the area. I covered everything with mulch after my plantings, but dern if I didn’t find a weed popping his head out this evening. I enjoy going out to my gardens with a cocktail and watering them in the late afternoon. I do it everyday that I’m in town and use it as a time to just unwind and think about nothing and everything. When I see that stray weed poking his head up above the ground in that “No Trespass” area, I bend down, grab him by his throat, and pull him up. Then I call it exercise and feel better about myself. (Do that about a dozen times without spilling your drink while slapping at bugs and see if you don’t feel worn out!)

The ideal solution to weed control, though, can most certainly be found in a good weed cloth. This woven fiber or plastic store-bough cloth allows water and nutrients to penetrate through to “protected” plants, but cuts light out from weeds and grasses. A quality cloth can last for years, but to make it most effective, you have to use it from the get-go, or else prepare yourself for quite the battle to get it to work around existing gardens.

I recently found some weed cloth for sale at a local retailer for a pretty good price. I picked up a couple of rolls, thinking it would be good to use at my cottage where I am unable to pick weeds every single day. I took it over there with me thinking I could knock out the project in a day or so. It’s been a couple of months, and I still don’t have it all the way down (granted, it’s not like I’ve been working at it everyday, but still…that’s pretty slack!).

To put weed cloth down over an existing garden, you first must roll out however much you need. Add a little bit more than that, because it’s easier to work with excesses than it is to need more. It’s sort of like a haircut: you can always ell them to cut more, but not too many can put it back. Roll the cloth OVER your existing plants (be sure to remove any straw or mulch that surround them first) and then carefully cut out “X” shaped openings over each plant. With kid gloves, pull the leaves and shoots of your plants through these openings, cutting them wider whenever is needed. Be sure not top cut the openings too wide, though, as every place that is exposed to the earth is a place where a weed can grow. Use long U-shaped metal hooks to secure the cloth in place at regular intervals and over up with straw or mulch as you would in any garden.

What you’ll be left with is a garden that is as attractive (if not more so) than any other, and without the hassle of having to pull up weeds every other day. Sure, you will get some clover and whatnot around the base of each plant, but nowhere near as bad as you would without the cloth. A couple of points to consider: You might want to use an edge to dig a tiny “trench” around the border of your garden and bury the edges of the cloth in this trench to prevent it from being snagged by a lawnmower. Also, when planting new plants, be sure to cut no bigger of a cutout than is necessary to get your new planting in the ground. Always remember that the bigger the hole in the cloth, the more opportunity for a weed to find a home. The beauty of weed cloth is in the fact that a weed may have a stronger will to live than a flower, but it sure won’t have as good a home! Not to mention it can cut down on exercise time!